Happy Mothers' Day!

JOB ADVERTISEMENT
 
POSITION: Mother  
 
OTHER JOB TITLES (Depending on Employer's choice):
Mummy, Mama, Mum, Mom, Okaa-san, Hey-you!, Boo-Boo
 
BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF ROLE:
A challenging and exciting permanent position in a chaotic, unpredictable environment. Only those who are prepared for a long-term (i.e Lifetime) commitment need apply. Candidates must prepare to work as part of a team (1% of the time) or work independently (99% of the time).
 
JOB DUTIES:
Nothing fixed or set in stone. However, as a basic guideline:
- Hours are irregular, but usually 18-20 hours a day, 7 days a week
- Assume total accountability for quality of end product (Assessment usually takes place after 21 years)
- Must be able to multi-task in the following roles (although extreme competency is not required)
Driver of large vehicles (SUVs or family sedans)
Cook/ Chef of meals that can be whipped up in a matter of minutes
Entertainer, catering to all ages ranging from 0 - 14
Sports woman who can catch employers before they fall - this skill is required 18 hours a day
Domestic Cleaner for emergency poop or pee incidents
Teacher of basic and simple language, mathematical skills, fundamental life skills (including toilet training)
Dictionary of choice ( to answer all "Why?" questions)
All other roles that will pop up from time to time

REQUIREMENTS:
- Must be on standby 24 hours a day (Shift duty allowance not provided)
- Must be able to have some basic technical skills (required for fixing jammed batteries in wound-up toys or dismantled mobile phones)
- Ideally have some first-aid skills (to tend to bee stings, black eye from other children or bites from disturbed cats)
- Should possess excellent communication skills (and able to shout across a busy shopping mall if needed)
- Preferably should be oblivious to stares and glares from strangers when your employer chooses to scream or throw a tantrum in public
- Strongly preferred: Candidates who have eyes growing at the back of their heads, so as to be on the lookout for mischievous outbursts.
- Must have stamina to go without sleep for 2 days straight
- Able to sing the same nursery rhyme again and again and again and again is a plus.
- Able to read the same story book again and again and again and again and again.....(and look happy doing it!)
- Must be prepared to be disliked from time to time
- Ideal candidate should be able to identify the employer's good points even in the most depressing of all conditions.