Trouble brewing

It's the wee hours of a new day. But yet I don't exactly feel new.

Here I am blogging after missing in action for the past few months. Life's been a tad more difficult than usual. Things are not going as smooth as I hope it will be.

I've been on a month No Pay Leave as of 1st July. Which basically means ZERO income. But I have no complains 'cuase I can catch up with my friends. I can meet MiMi anytime without any worries. I can sleep till the sun is going down. I can TRY to clean up my room, which I've been trying to do since the first day of July. I can go for physiotherapy without changing flights, and without the pressure for the company.

But now, I'm facing the most heart breaking point. MiMi and I have been quarrelling for the past few days. And today he say he wanted to leave me 'cause he can't take it. I have no darnest idea what went wrong, what did I do wrong, or what had exactly happened. Everything just happened in a moment of flash.

I know he's pressurized 'bout money matters. I know he's unhappy with work. I know he still wants to be an officer. But I just don't know why he's upset with me.

Please MiMi, just tell me what's wrong. I want us to be able to get through this rough patch. I want us to be able to get through all difficulties in our lives. I want to enjoy moments of joy, sweetness, laughter with you. I want to solve all problems, questions, dilemmas with you. All we need to do is to have understanding, tolerance, communication and loads of love for each other.

You got to get this drilled inside your head, heart and soul: I can only have one person in my life, and that person is you exclusively. I LOVE YOU ONLY.

But I can't do it alone.
I need you to step forward with me.

Confused....

So many things had happened for the past week... I'm getting really tired of everything.

On one fine day, i received a msg from MiMi:"Got! I want her for very long already. But hai... Not ment to be." Exact words and spacing. Nothing additional more added or left out. How do you think I will feel when I receive this kind of msg.

I replied "dun msg me anymore." No reply from him after a few mins(or rather a min or so). I gave him a call. 2 missed calls in fact to him. After a minute later I tried my luck again. He answered. I asked him does he know what he sent to me. He said "ya". I asked him what happened. He told me his "friend" MARK, used his mobile to message one of his friends, while they are on the fast-craft back to tekong.

How long is the ferry ride let me ask you. I give it a max of 20 min. Would you lent your phone to a friend to which you dun even have his mobile number? Would THAT message be sent to me if that fella pressed the button"reply"? How the message could be sent to me wrongly is only based on two reasons I came up with. One is "create a new message". The second is pressed "forward, which in Azmi's phone, I'm considered the first in the list. Which in fact the first number on his list is "A" with no number stored. He told me it is to prevent "wrongly-pressed-the-button-situation".

But fuck, it still happened. I really think that he is messaging his friend talking 'bout some girl he couldn't have. But due to the "routine" of messaging me, he pressed my number unintentinally. After which, he then realised he sent to the wrong person.

I really swear to God that this is really what happened.

Why can't he cheat behind my back and don't ever let me find out? In this way, all 3 parties can lead a happy life.

I'm hurt, because he is thinking 'bout some other girl. I'm hurt, because he lied to me and came up with such a UNBELIEVEABLE story. I'm hurt, because I now then realised that he doesn't love me that much(or at all). I'm hurt, because I love him way way way too much. I'm really hurt by him. I really thought that he could be The One.

Gosh, I'm shattered now. Will I ever have someone who loves me truthfully, sincerely, whole-heartedly?
Right now, I doubt everyone, including myself.

Stupid me, to believe this guy won't cheat anymore on the girlfriend. Stupid me, to fall in love so deeply with him. Stupid me in everything I do.

So proud of MiMi Busuk... =)

Finally have the sense to write a bit after "rust-ing" for so many days.... Have some good news and of course bad news as well...

Let's start with the bad ones first. My parents have been nagging at me to give them money... That's very bad news to me, very very bad. Then came the realisation that next month I got no money!! And I have yet to complete my minimum flight hours!!! AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!! SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!!

Then currently I'm on a week medical leave!!! Happy, but yet at the same time, my knee DOES hurt. Actually I have no idea what the Doc told me. Well, after this week of M.C., I still have another week!!! Heehee....

Well, the thing that really made me proud is not myself(DUH... When have I ever made myself proud???!!!). IT'S MIMI!!! H e got platoon best, silver "bay-yo-net". Hee... dunno how to spell. =) He also got platoon best when he was in BMTC. Now my MiMi is a sergeant!!!

We, (Actually it's I, but we went together!) just bought a pair of rings at Plaza Singapura on Sunday... But MiMi don't really seem happy 'bout the ringy though... I love the ring cause it's really chunky and it's a ring I bought for us!!! I'm not surw how exactly he feels 'bout the rings.. But well, I'm just going to view it as a ring I really love a lot!!!!

(Part 1) Going out now...But still want to blog... Part 2 coming up....

MiMi coming back on Monday!

MiMi finally coming back on Monday!!! =)

Maybe I can finally feel loved again... Listening to Maroon5: She Will Be Loved. One of MiMi's favourite song before he was disconnected with the rest of the world.

We kind of had a small quarrel yesterday. I feel that he wasn't concern about me anymore. I felt so alone and cold. Guess I was tired 'cause I didn't have enough rest. He was asking me:" Other than me, are you been seeing other guys other than me for the past 2 weeks." Actually in fact I was pretty happy. This proves to me that he cares for me (or it is just a routine to messaged that??

He message me this morning:" NaNa must sms mimi. I say don't sms me when i got exercise. Now no more exercise Nana must sms mimi again. Morning." Was so touched....^_^

Gosh.... What am I exactly thinking these few days...???

I really longed for MiMi. .. ...

Friends and all...

How I miss my MiMi...

But you know what? In fact, I find that this is pretty good training for me in case we don't work out for the future.

Bike is out of surgery... Going to pick it up tomorrow. Me still only in Day 2 of recovery. By Thurs if things doesn't get better, I'll have to get more medical leave. *Yeay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* But most probably I'll get better by then lar...

Reading so many blogs these few days, which includes me sleeping at only bout 3-4a.m. and waking up at those unearthly hours... I feel so much for so many things, but yet I can't comprehen my own feelings, thoughts and problems. What the hell right?? =)

I'm so confused and alone. I don't feel like sleeping cause there's no one to sleep with me, no one to keep me warm, no SMS to look forward when I'm up, no motivation to work, no one with me... The last time I cried was after the confrontation with the taxi driver. I really cried my heart out.

I was going thru some of my friends' friendster account. MiMi's friends' girlfriends seems so close. They seems to be such great friends even though they only know each other thru their boyfriends. I also know them thru my boyfriend. But how come I don't quite get along with them? Am I such an outcast in wherever I go?

They will still hang out without the boyfriends around. They will call and talk on the phone. They will ask each other out for clubbing. They talk to each other!! But I'm not "invited" and I really don't like this kind of feeling. It's really pulling me down each time they message me to ask if I want to join them last minute. I rather they don't message me at all.

It's not as if I never put in any effort to be "pally" with them. I message them if they want to go out for dinner. Well, if I'm lucky enough, 1 or 2 of them will reply. But most of the time, they don't even reply back and come up with any execuses.

I'm feeling pretty drained out to having cope with such interpersonal problems at work and with my personal life... Yet MiMi is not doing anything.

Does he know exactly how I feel? I really doubt so. He got more important things in his own life rather than to having to take care of mine. I doubt he still care about me at all.
=)