i think i had enough..

after so many years of bottling-up, i recently teared again because of this dysfunctional family.

Since young, my brother n i had fallen out, really badly that kind. How bad? Bad to the extend that we don't sit down at the same table to have our meals together, not even for CNY. Bad to the extend that we don't walk in the same path, not even shoulder to shoulder, not even face to face. Bad to the extend that he cant stand the sight of me in his vision. Bad to the extend that he wont use the same utensils or toothpaste in the family. And many much more, in fact too many to mention.

When did all these started?? If my memory serve me well, it began when i was about 7yrs old. So all in all, all these have been gong on for the past 18 years. Yes, 18years and still going on.

Since young, my mum always say that it was a mistake having me. She intend to stop at two only. So when i came by, she almost had me aborted. She always say that i give her a lot of problems when carrying me to full term. I caused her to have allergy to certain medication. I caused her to some orange color food intolerance. After i was born ed, she said i still give her many problems. I caused her to have many sleepless nights, sleeping so soundly in the day and crying at every unearthly hours. My mum always say "Your brother n sister so guai, never give me much problems"

Since young, i am the weakest among my sibling. I broke my RIGHT arm when i was about 2 or 3. I always sprain or fracture my RIGHT ankle when i was in primary and secondary school. I always get the flu bug every alternate month. I got into a bike accident in 2004 and had to go for physio for my RIGHT knee... I got hospitalized in 2006 cause my RIGHT lymph nodes under my jaws swelled up very severely and i couldn't breathe and hear... I got big patches of stubborn eczema that wont go away and had been residing since Feb 2008 on the left cheek, RIGHT eyebrow and lips... My mum always say "Why you so weak, always fall sick, cannot take care of yourself?"

So, the breaking of straw begins with the table seating arrangement.

It doesn't feel good when my own family decide to seat me out. My heart teared inside. I didn't shed a drop yet.

So when my parents arrived home yesterday evening, i told myself to be gracious and put that matter behind. Mum didn't cook dinner. So before i went out for dinner, i ask my dad (mum was sleeping) if i could dabao any dinner for them (my brother was back from work). Dad mumbled something and said no need.
While Q-ing up at the bee hoon stall in Commomwealth, i messaged dad and asked again if they need dinner. He replied "No. If you buy, brother wont eat."

I could feel my heart shattering. My hands began to tremble and my throat feels dry. I couldn't talk coz talking will bring the tears down. After a while, i lost the battle and tears began to drop. Those people sitting around must have thought i was crazy to be crying after eating one mouth of bee hoon. =)

On her last trip to Hainan Island, after arriving home, she accused me. I was half furious only. I was away on flight and came back one day before her!! She said "Why must you wait until i come back and let me wash all the clothes? Why you cannot wash your own clothes? See your brother washed his clothes. And you didn't even bring my clothes down after it dried!" I told her "you'll be using the washing machine, put in more clothes to wash, then will be more efficient and save more water." She kept quiet.

So this time after back from Guangzhou, Mum was doing her laundry and I just put ONE uniform in the laundry basket. She said "Why you so lazy, cannot even wash you own clothes."
Hello!! You are away for a week. I washed my own clothes for a week, i watered your plants for a week, i try to keep your kitchen and bathroom clean for a week. Did your precious son lift a finger?? He left the bathroom messy with dirt and hair. He left the kitchen full of pots and pans.He left the plants to die when i was on flight for a whole day. He left your clothes hanging on the bamboo pole for a week and didn't even bother to keep and fold. HE DIDN'T FREAKING WASH HIS CLOTHES FOR A WEEK!! The only time he budge was to cook and serve for his attitude GF.

As i mentioned, the straw was breaking. I retort her back "brother never wash his clothes for a week, u didn't even say him. I put one uniform, must u say me until like that?"

She replied "coz your brother give more money."

I cried even more this morning. I was too stupid to realize that all along, my parents have been bias and sided with him more even though they say they don't.

They gave him all their CPF moolah for him to go overseas and study. They believed he didn't do anything when the wireless network suddenly became invisible in our house. They won't let him take take bike license coz it was too dangerous and after which my dad sent him to Yishun camp everytime he need to book in when he was in NS.

I guess I'm too stupid for them to waste any money on me for studies. I guess the network didn't like me when i got my own computer in the house and decide to disappear. I guess my life is worthless when i got my bike license coz "airport very near only mah".

mum always think that stewardess earn a lot. Ya, we earn more but our CPF is so much lesser. Therefore more cash is needed for savings. She always think that i spend a lot. But she don't realize that having a meal in Europe countries will cost bout 20sing, much more if the currency is in Pounds. She don't realize that Aussie dollar is climbing up and up, and i always buy kilos and kilos of meats back from there. And everytime i see some interesting food, i buy back home.

So i guess i should stop all these and give her more cash. She'll be more happy with cash rather than all the food i buy coz "brother don eat the food u buy."

I guess I'm not a filial child.
I guess all these years had made me person who can't conveys my feelings and expression, made me a person with communication problems, made me a bitter, withdrawn, skeptical person.

I'm sure I'm not of any importance to anyone.
I'm sure I'm not the first in anyone's mind.
I'm sure i don't stand a place in anyone's heart.

Money is indeed everything.
Thanks for reminding me.